Hot Dish Review

Yesterday I was shopping at the Ansley Kroger when I walked by the bakery department and was subjected to this garish display….yellow cake and cupcakes decorated with day-glo frosting.

What is the flavor of yellow cake? Yellow is not a flavor. The flavor of red velvet cake is red, I suppose. At least brown cake is chocolate. Why would anyone want to eat a flavorless sponge covered with bright green goopy frosting? Why?

Cake is so low-brow. Whenever I eat something that’s gonna add to my girth, it better be worth it. Like Babette’s dried cherry tart, for instance. Or authentic gelato in Europe.

I think Marie Antoinette had a perfect solution for the hungry peasants when she said “Let them eat cake”.

MY BIRTHDAY REMINDS ME OF HOW MUCH I HATE CAKE!

Yes, it’s true. I hate cake….perhaps even more than clowns. The most offensive version being the dreaded yellow cake with white frosting. What is the flavor of yellow cake? Yellow is not a fucking flavor, neither is white. At least chocolate cake and frosting are chocolate flavored. If you’re going to make some boring ass cake, at least make it in a fun shape, like a big penis, like Hollis Gillespie did for her birthday!

German chocolate cake is not so bad due to the nutty frosting, although it is in no way German. My Mom, who is German, used to make a black forrest cake which is chocolate cake drizzled with brandy, layered with canned cherries and whipped cream. As far as cake goes, it is quite tolerable.

Another cake abomination is the grocery store birthday cake. White sheet cake (again the flavor is what? white) with gobs of colorful frosting. The photo above is an actual specimen from Kroger….we added the “69″ candles to make it extra classy!

The next time you are presented with a trailer trash birthday cake from Kroger or Publix be sure to thank the thoughtful buyer with a well-placed Knuckle Sandwich!