Hot Dish Review

Yesterday I was shopping at the Ansley Kroger when I walked by the bakery department and was subjected to this garish display….yellow cake and cupcakes decorated with day-glo frosting.

What is the flavor of yellow cake? Yellow is not a flavor. The flavor of red velvet cake is red, I suppose. At least brown cake is chocolate. Why would anyone want to eat a flavorless sponge covered with bright green goopy frosting? Why?

Cake is so low-brow. Whenever I eat something that’s gonna add to my girth, it better be worth it. Like Babette’s dried cherry tart, for instance. Or authentic gelato in Europe.

I think Marie Antoinette had a perfect solution for the hungry peasants when she said “Let them eat cake”.

An old favorite from back in the day…..
My favorite dive, Elmyr in L5P, has been the scene of many hours of drinking margaritas, eating their awesome quesadillas, and just hanging out. I’ve always felt at home with the punk rock crowd. The walls are covered with murals, graffiti, rock posters and flyers….makes it harder to see the roaches.

I recently met SS there along with his brother TS, in town from SF for the funeral. I like to sit on the covered patio but SS wanted to sit at a table in the bar area. Too hungover for tequila, I ordered a refreshing Corona with lime. Me and SS have had countless quesadillas there. Never greasy, almost healthy, they are crisp on the outside and full of flavor.

SS got his usual, steak with avocado. I was going to get my usual too, chicken, onion, black beans, and jalapenos, with guacamole on the side, but ended up getting shrimp instead of chicken. Something new! Each comes with your choice of three salsas, all of them great; pico de gallo, salsa verde, and regular. The plate is garnished with a lettuce leaf with a huge dollop of sour cream.

So what the fuck happened? Our quesadillas were soggy. There was what seemed like a whole can of black beans in mine. SS said his steak was cut into chunks instead of the usual strips….he didn’t like it. And they were bland, too. Guacamole and salsas were as good as always, adding the only flavor to the mushy things.

Standard Tex-Mex items like soft tacos, nachos, and burritos are also on the menu. Everything is a la carte, no worthless rice and refried beans here!

After eight or so years seems like Elmyr is having some quality control issues. I’ll go back, of course. It’s like visiting an old friend.

By the way, I never get their chips. They suck.

1091 Euclid Avenue 404-588-0250

Here is the evidence….from three different sources.

First of all, I grew up five minutes away from McKee Bakery, the biggest employer of (mostly) unskilled labor in the Collegedale/Ooltewah, TN area, and the maker of Little Debbie Snacks. As a child I ate the sugary snacks on occasion although I didn’t really love ‘em. I guess I knew deep down they were evil.

Here’s a little tidbit of trivia for ya from the Richmond Times-Dispatch: “About 70 percent of the nation’s military-age young people cannot enlist in the armed forces because of inadequate education, criminal records or physical problems.”

SEVENTY PERCENT!!

My cousin SW told me this sorry statistic yesterday and I confirmed it just now. And why, you ask, are the youth of this country so pathetic? Well, for one, they are obese lazy motherfuckers that sit around and eat Twinkies and Cheetos all day. It’s not all their fault, though. The government is allowing manufacturers to get away with feeding us poison in our everyday foods. Chemicals like MSG, and food coloring like red #40 are commonly used.

SW, who has worked at McKee for years, corroborated a story my Dad told me, about the “recycling” of baked goods that, for whatever reason, did not pass inspection.

The story pertains to Oatmeal Creme Pies in particular. My Dad says he used to see other employees throwing rejects into the batter, incorporating the already baked product into the dough. Apparently it is easy to disguise this in the somewhat chunky oatmeal cookie.

He thinks they even recycled the old snacks picked up from store shelves that were approaching stale, replaced by fresh new boxes, but my cousin has not seen this in action. He has, however, witnessed first-hand, boxes of snacks that did not meet specifications being thrown into vats of batter, which is made up primarily of shortening, white flour, and high fructose corn syrup.

Oatmeal Creme Pies are full of emulsifiers like sorbitan monostearate, polysorbate 60, and sodium stearoyl lactylate which are also used in skincare products. WTF? The FDA thinks it’s OK to use these substances in moisturizers and snack cakes. Insane.

Each Oatmeal Creme Pie has 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 26 grams of carbs with less than 1 gram of fiber. There is literally no nutritional value. If I ate a box of 12 snacks every week for a year and changed nothing else in my diet I would gain 35 lbs!

My Dad also recounted the ingredients of the coating used on any of the products that are “chocolate covered”…..shortening, chocolate flavor, and sugar. No actual chocolate.

Then, coincidentally, BW added in that he was doing a job there once in the bakery’s “lab”. He was curious as to why a bakery would need a lab so he invited one of the ladies to dinner to get more information. They were testing ingredients to discover which were the most addictive. That was in the ’80’s!

Jesus Christ. What a perfect example of big government and “science” working together to profit from making Americans obese, feeding on ignorance. Shame on you Little Debbie. You deserve a big fat Knuckle Sandwich with an Oatmeal Creme Pie for dessert!

After a day at the pool I had a hankerin’ for some refreshing ice cold watermelon!

I remember family cookouts when Grandpa would bring out an enormously long watermelon, much larger than the melons these days, and split it in half on the picnic table. My Dad or one of my 7 uncles (yes, 7!) would cut wedges and we’d all sit around spitting out seeds, watermelon juice running down our arms.

Nowadays I just buy one of those mini melons, I think they call them “personal watermelons”. However, I needed instant gratification after a day in the heat so I didn’t have time to chill a whole melon. Instead, I took a look at the pre-cut, pre-packaged selection at Publix.

There were several wedges that looked juicy and ripe. They were all labeled “seedless” but I noticed the seeds clearly visible beneath the plastic wrap. True, the seeds are smaller and one could swallow them without injury, but these melons are in no way seedless…..hense the Knuckle Sandwich.

B commented that the wedges must have been packaged by Helen Keller! OMG….LOL!

I ate the watermelon while watching golf. It was the sweetest I have had in ages, seeds or no seeds.

In a word, disgusting. I don’t even like mint in toothpaste much less in a dessert! Mint chocolate chip ice cream is the biggest offender, its garrish mint green color studded with low-quality chips. Adding chocolate just adds insult to injury.

The trend of using traditionally savory herbs for ice cream flavors is much more appealing than mint, like Miller Union’s rosemary, thyme and sage. I remember a gorgonzola ice cream that accompanied a pear tart at Top Flr years ago that was delicious. And what about their tobacco flavor? That was all the rage when they first opened.

Junior Mints, peppermint, mint cheesecake, mint fudge brownies, I just don’t get it. By the way, I didn’t actually eat any mint products for this post. (photos care of murder Kroger)

I’m about to make some Aquafresh sorbet….anyone care for some?

Hooray! For my official 100th blog post I thought it would be appropriate to clarify my stance on reviewing food and restaurants.

Hmmm….well. If you are a restaurant critic every restaurant manager worth a damn knows who you are and what you look like. Trying to maintain anonymity is simply silly and somewhat narcissistic. Are you really that important? Is writing about food really that serious? No.

In fact, the publication I write for on a regular basis prints write-ups, not reviews. There is a difference. The restaurants that I visit know I’m coming and that I’m doing a story. Generally, the food and often the drinks, are comp’d. Does that affect the service? Probably. And not always in my favor I might add. Maybe I make some servers nervous. To meet the chefs and be recognized by managers and bartenders all over town is not a bad thing. Being treated like a VIP is, in fact, awesome!

Are music critics held to the same standards? Or people that write book reviews? No, it’s just ridiculous.

What I write here is what I really think. Sometimes it’s not so nice. I blog on the same comp’d meals that I write articles on for AFD. I do the unthinkable and write after just one visit. Yes, that’s right. Often, an article is based on one enormous meal.

So what?

(I felt it necessary to use a photo of my child to maintain anonymity….I knew you would understand.)

MY BIRTHDAY REMINDS ME OF HOW MUCH I HATE CAKE!

Yes, it’s true. I hate cake….perhaps even more than clowns. The most offensive version being the dreaded yellow cake with white frosting. What is the flavor of yellow cake? Yellow is not a fucking flavor, neither is white. At least chocolate cake and frosting are chocolate flavored. If you’re going to make some boring ass cake, at least make it in a fun shape, like a big penis, like Hollis Gillespie did for her birthday!

German chocolate cake is not so bad due to the nutty frosting, although it is in no way German. My Mom, who is German, used to make a black forrest cake which is chocolate cake drizzled with brandy, layered with canned cherries and whipped cream. As far as cake goes, it is quite tolerable.

Another cake abomination is the grocery store birthday cake. White sheet cake (again the flavor is what? white) with gobs of colorful frosting. The photo above is an actual specimen from Kroger….we added the “69″ candles to make it extra classy!

The next time you are presented with a trailer trash birthday cake from Kroger or Publix be sure to thank the thoughtful buyer with a well-placed Knuckle Sandwich!

AWWW, I MISS THE BUNNY! (Sorry for the re-runs…still in Rio!)

First, I have to applaud Smartfood, a division of Fritolay, for making an effort to provide healthier snacks that taste great. Their white cheddar popcorn has been a long-time favorite. And although I doubt that eating it regularly is really smart, it is certainly a better option than, say, fried butter wrapped in bacon and drizzled with maple syrup (yum!).

Anyway, Smartfood has recently introduced Popcorn Clusters. They come in four flavors like Cranberry Almond and Chocolate Cookie Caramel Pecan….sounds healthy, right? At 120 calories per tiny bag, it satisfies that late night craving.

The problem is the packaging. Five 1 oz. bags come in a box that could easily hold 15. Every time I buy it I can just hear the chainsaws cutting down the trees to make the f*#ckin box! Just put ‘em in one of those big shiny bags for God’s sake! Even The Bunny thinks it’s ridiculous. I think Smartfood deserves a big fat high-calorie Knuckle Sandwich for their wasteful practices….served with Baked Lays, of course! (yet another Fritolay brand)

I’ve been waiting a long time to post this. If you order a martini, most often you receive a martini glass full to the brim. WRONG! Worse yet, some pussies order “vodka martinis”. OK, so there is no such thing. That would be a vodka drink served in a martini glass.

By definition, a martini is gin with vermouth. I order mine with Bombay Sapphire, dry, straight up, with 3 olives. “Dry” means the vermouth is shaken with the ice, then thrown out. The essence of the vermouth remains to be shaken with the gin. If you order a vodka martini just call it what it is. A cosmopolitan perhaps?

When the guys from Top Flr and Dinner Party Atlanta suggested meeting at The Highland Tap, I was thrilled. Back in the day, me and my roommate LR (now LL) used to spend entire afternoons in the back corner booth, sipping martinis and chain smoking.

So, during the “blizzard” last Friday, I enjoyed the singular treat of a perfectly made martini.

The meeting was about the link between Dinner Party Atlanta (Darren Carr & Patrick LaBouff), Top Flr (Darren Carr & Jeff Myers), and the third venture, the secret yet-to-be-disclosed restaurant/music driven bar on Edgewood (Darren Carr, Jeff Myers, & Karl Injex) creating a culinary trifecta. Chef Shane Devereux is the glue between all three.

Back to martinis….the only place in Atlanta that serves a martini correctly is The Highland Tap. A martini is meant to be sipped slowly. To keep it cold, a small amount of the shaken drink is poured into a martini glass. The remainder is poured into a sidecar…..a tiny carafe that is kept cold in ice water on the side. This is the proper method of serving a martini. Any other method is incorrect, and unfortunately, standard.

If you can’t do it right, don’t do it! Here’s a Knuckle Sandwich for all of the bars and restaurants that force their bartenders to serve half-ass martinis….shame on you.

OK, WTF! (sorry AG, I know how much you hate that, LOL). Why are there no Honeysuckle White turkey burgers in the stores? I have been buying their turkey burgers for years….years! I buy them in May, I buy them in October. Yes, I buy them year round.

This Winter they are MIA. I guess some brilliant mother fucker decided that people only grill burgers in the Spring and Summer. I cook mine in a skillet, so who cares if it’s 20 degrees outside! You mean people don’t eat turkey burgers in the Winter? OMG.

Kroger is the only store that carries this brand and I always thought they were made with turkey breast (this used to be the case) which is lower in fat and calories than the brand Publix carries,Jennie-O, which had 240 calories per patty the last time I checked.

Finally, I was forced to buy Perdue ground turkey breast. I had to touch it. That’s right, I had to make my own patties and since I’m a perfectionist with food, I weighed each piece for accuracy.

Although it was disgusting, it was a blessing in disguise. A 4 oz. serving (raw) of the Perdue ground turkey breast has only 120 calories! Their pre-made patties inexplicably have 160 calories. Checking the website for Honeysuckle White, it looks like their product has 240 calories per serving! What? They are described as lightly seasoned. I’ve noticed they look sorta like red meat when cooked, not white like the unseasoned Perdue. I’m guessing the “seasoning” is MSG and food coloring. Their frozen patties are 160 calories. I’m not sure why there is such a vast difference, even within the brands, but it is rather misleading….you gotta check the label every time and make sure it is breast meat. Jennie-O offers more varieties than Publix carries, the all natural white turkey burgers coming in at a mere 180 calories.

So. Who deserves the Knuckle Sandwich? Honeysuckle White gets a big fat one, with mayo please!