Hot Dish Review

MY BIRTHDAY REMINDS ME OF HOW MUCH I HATE CAKE!

Yes, it’s true. I hate cake….perhaps even more than clowns. The most offensive version being the dreaded yellow cake with white frosting. What is the flavor of yellow cake? Yellow is not a fucking flavor, neither is white. At least chocolate cake and frosting are chocolate flavored. If you’re going to make some boring ass cake, at least make it in a fun shape, like a big penis, like Hollis Gillespie did for her birthday!

German chocolate cake is not so bad due to the nutty frosting, although it is in no way German. My Mom, who is German, used to make a black forrest cake which is chocolate cake drizzled with brandy, layered with canned cherries and whipped cream. As far as cake goes, it is quite tolerable.

Another cake abomination is the grocery store birthday cake. White sheet cake (again the flavor is what? white) with gobs of colorful frosting. The photo above is an actual specimen from Kroger….we added the “69″ candles to make it extra classy!

The next time you are presented with a trailer trash birthday cake from Kroger or Publix be sure to thank the thoughtful buyer with a well-placed Knuckle Sandwich!

AWWW, I MISS THE BUNNY! (Sorry for the re-runs…still in Rio!)

First, I have to applaud Smartfood, a division of Fritolay, for making an effort to provide healthier snacks that taste great. Their white cheddar popcorn has been a long-time favorite. And although I doubt that eating it regularly is really smart, it is certainly a better option than, say, fried butter wrapped in bacon and drizzled with maple syrup (yum!).

Anyway, Smartfood has recently introduced Popcorn Clusters. They come in four flavors like Cranberry Almond and Chocolate Cookie Caramel Pecan….sounds healthy, right? At 120 calories per tiny bag, it satisfies that late night craving.

The problem is the packaging. Five 1 oz. bags come in a box that could easily hold 15. Every time I buy it I can just hear the chainsaws cutting down the trees to make the f*#ckin box! Just put ‘em in one of those big shiny bags for God’s sake! Even The Bunny thinks it’s ridiculous. I think Smartfood deserves a big fat high-calorie Knuckle Sandwich for their wasteful practices….served with Baked Lays, of course! (yet another Fritolay brand)

I’ve been waiting a long time to post this. If you order a martini, most often you receive a martini glass full to the brim. WRONG! Worse yet, some pussies order “vodka martinis”. OK, so there is no such thing. That would be a vodka drink served in a martini glass.

By definition, a martini is gin with vermouth. I order mine with Bombay Sapphire, dry, straight up, with 3 olives. “Dry” means the vermouth is shaken with the ice, then thrown out. The essence of the vermouth remains to be shaken with the gin. If you order a vodka martini just call it what it is. A cosmopolitan perhaps?

When the guys from Top Flr and Dinner Party Atlanta suggested meeting at The Highland Tap, I was thrilled. Back in the day, me and my roommate LR (now LL) used to spend entire afternoons in the back corner booth, sipping martinis and chain smoking.

So, during the “blizzard” last Friday, I enjoyed the singular treat of a perfectly made martini.

The meeting was about the link between Dinner Party Atlanta (Darren Carr & Patrick LaBouff), Top Flr (Darren Carr & Jeff Myers), and the third venture, the secret yet-to-be-disclosed restaurant/music driven bar on Edgewood (Darren Carr, Jeff Myers, & Karl Injex) creating a culinary trifecta. Chef Shane Devereux is the glue between all three.

Back to martinis….the only place in Atlanta that serves a martini correctly is The Highland Tap. A martini is meant to be sipped slowly. To keep it cold, a small amount of the shaken drink is poured into a martini glass. The remainder is poured into a sidecar…..a tiny carafe that is kept cold in ice water on the side. This is the proper method of serving a martini. Any other method is incorrect, and unfortunately, standard.

If you can’t do it right, don’t do it! Here’s a Knuckle Sandwich for all of the bars and restaurants that force their bartenders to serve half-ass martinis….shame on you.

OK, WTF! (sorry AG, I know how much you hate that, LOL). Why are there no Honeysuckle White turkey burgers in the stores? I have been buying their turkey burgers for years….years! I buy them in May, I buy them in October. Yes, I buy them year round.

This Winter they are MIA. I guess some brilliant mother fucker decided that people only grill burgers in the Spring and Summer. I cook mine in a skillet, so who cares if it’s 20 degrees outside! You mean people don’t eat turkey burgers in the Winter? OMG.

Kroger is the only store that carries this brand and I always thought they were made with turkey breast (this used to be the case) which is lower in fat and calories than the brand Publix carries,Jennie-O, which had 240 calories per patty the last time I checked.

Finally, I was forced to buy Perdue ground turkey breast. I had to touch it. That’s right, I had to make my own patties and since I’m a perfectionist with food, I weighed each piece for accuracy.

Although it was disgusting, it was a blessing in disguise. A 4 oz. serving (raw) of the Perdue ground turkey breast has only 120 calories! Their pre-made patties inexplicably have 160 calories. Checking the website for Honeysuckle White, it looks like their product has 240 calories per serving! What? They are described as lightly seasoned. I’ve noticed they look sorta like red meat when cooked, not white like the unseasoned Perdue. I’m guessing the “seasoning” is MSG and food coloring. Their frozen patties are 160 calories. I’m not sure why there is such a vast difference, even within the brands, but it is rather misleading….you gotta check the label every time and make sure it is breast meat. Jennie-O offers more varieties than Publix carries, the all natural white turkey burgers coming in at a mere 180 calories.

So. Who deserves the Knuckle Sandwich? Honeysuckle White gets a big fat one, with mayo please!

Nothing gets my dander up like the “mishandling” of fried green tomatoes.  I grew up in Tennessee and LOVE fried green tomatoes.  What pinches my nerve is how they are served in restaurants….topped with crumbled goat cheese, drizzled with aioli, gussied up like hookers on Ponce.

Let me make this very clear:  fried green tomatoes are a vegetable, a side dish to be served alongside the meat and the other vegetables.  They are NOT an appetizer!  Who the hell decided that they were an appetizer anyway?  My grandmother never served them with f*#ckin aioli!  Just slice them thin, dredge lightly in cornmeal and fry ‘em up in a pan….delicious!

Fried green tomatoes are routinely overbreaded in restaurants, the heavy coating completely overpowering the delicate tangy flavor of the under ripe fruit.  It’s a shame that every “Southern” restaurant bastardizes this vegetable.  They all deserve a nice fat Knuckle Sandwich….with aioli on it!